I would love to be the girl that every one loves, but no one messes with. I'd love to be a kickass snowboarder. To wear roxy and DC. I'd love to be hardcore and edgy.

But I'm not. I like physics and music. I couldn't play sports to save my life. I don't challenge authority and I'll never have rockin abs. I've always known this but I'm actually realizing it now.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to embrace who I am and stop trying to be some one I'm not. I'm only disappointing myself.

I know I haven't updated in f-o-r-e-v-e-r but I had a huge weekend, and I need advice. And a kick to the head. Please.

I visited a friend this weekend, and we went to a party. I've never been really drunk before, and apparently I'm a bit of a lightweight. I threw up in a sink. The boy who gave me all the drinks (who also lived there) took care of me and I ended up crashing at my friend's friend's place. At that party I met this guy, we flirted a bit. Exchanged numbers. The next day a group of us went to perkin's for breakfast and my friend (the one i was visiting) had to work so I hung out with the boy from the night before and his friend. We went swimming and we played ping pong and played tag in the pool...it was the most fun I've ever had with a guy. I laughed so hard and I was completely comfortable. Afterwards we changed in this apartment (the pool was in his building) and his friend left...leaving us alone. We watching a movie...and well. We had sex. Twice. It was weird and he told me he had such strong feelings for me and asked what I had done to him, he was mesmerized and couldn't even look at other girls any more. I let him believe I felt the same way, but I didn't. I thought I'd feel different, I thought it'd feel like my first time. But I DON'T feel any different. I thought about Gina the whole time. Her skin, her lips, her smile...then I left. I get into my friend's car and told them all what I did. I laughed about it. I laughed about how small his penis was. I laughed about how emotional he was. I thought it was funny how badly I could hurt him. I felt powerful. Once I got home and started talking to my friends...I felt guilty. I felt as if I'd cheated. I felt like a slut. A bitch. I couldn't believe I had been that girl. The annoying slut every one loves to hate. The girl you see at a party and roll your eyes at. The girl all the boys crush on and don't know why. That's ME. I'M THAT GIRL. Ugh. And I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

Now the question is...what do I do? What do I tell him? Do I stay friends with him? Do I try to get Gina back even though she's hurt me so badly and she chose Nicole over me and she makes me cry and it'll make my sister stop talking to me and my dad will stop looking me in the eye...is it worth it? To break Nicole's trust? I promised I wouldn't go back to Gina and she's been a really good friend since we started talking. I just miss her so much. I don't miss kissing her or holding hands...I miss hugging her, I miss making her laugh, I miss her parents MADLY, I miss her house, her truck, how she smells. I miss texting her when I'm upset because no one says the right thing like she does. No one knows me like she does. I miss that. But...she also yells and manipulates me, she makes me feel inadequete and fat and ugly. She takes away my freedom and guilt trips me into doing everything she wants me to. I don't miss that. But I miss her being here. Having her in my life.

Is it worth it? I'd lose friends, I'd lose my sister.

If it's not meant to be why can't we stay away from each other? We're both drawn to one another and we can't resist talking if one of us extends an invitation. WHY. Why would God do that. Is it to make me stronger? So I learn from my mistakes? Why is that. Why would he do that. Maybe every one has it wrong and he enjoys our inner tourmoil. Maybe it's punishment for not praying as much as I should. Or maybe this isn't God's fault at all but my own.

I want to run back to her, I want to kiss her and hold her tight, play her song for her and go to her house and talk with her parents about their lives, everything they've seen and done. I want to laugh with her and have her drive me around like she used to. I want to feel that surreal magic I felt before when I was with her. I want to feel like, for once, I'm not alone. I want to feel lucky. Like I have something every one waits their whole lives for.

And, another thing. She told Nicole horrible things. That Nicole was never good enough for her and that she deserves better and never loved her. Gina never told me things like that. She let me go because I wanted to go. She apologized for every time she hurt me. And she hit Nicole. A lot. She'd grab her arms and leave bruises, she'd slap her and hold her up against walls. She NEVER touched me with violence. EVER.

Did she love me?

What should I do?

Am I crazy?

New Crushes:

Owl City and Flamboyant Bella.

Okay so they aren't people, just bands. But that doesn't change the fact that they are my current obsession.

On my real crush:

Love interest and I talked today about Us. I asked her if I was making her nervous, if she wants me to stop liking her or thinking about her or anything. I told her I'm scared that I'm pushing her. She told me that ever since we met...she's felt this overwhelming need to protect me, to be close to me. But with that, comes with an intense fear she will hurt me. So she doesn't want me to expect anything of her, because she is afraid she will find that she doesn't REALLY like me (or girls at all) and that will hurt me.

I asked her why she was so afraid to hurt me. She said "I don't want to be like her." Referring, of course, to my crazy violent ex, Gina. She is still the voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough, and I still see her when I close my eyes. I'm over her in the sense that I don't want her back, by any means, but the wreck she made of my self esteem hasn't built itself back up yet.

Point is, I'm disappointed and a little confused. If love interest was really interested, she'd act on that, right? Or is the fact that she's being cautious a good sign? The only thing I know is that she makes me incredibly happy and I'm not letting her go. I want her in my life, whatever that entails. I am happy as her friend, if that's what she wants. I hate to say it, but I don't know what I'd do without her.